Wednesday, July 24, 2013


My mom thinks I do things to get attention as if I would curse anyone with my life, allergies, and my ex.

So much of our lives are spent vying for our parents approval. Am I making the right  decision, is this the right course to take?

I often wonder if I really do have autism, as my mom and ex say I do? I have been out on my own for awhile now... since I was 17 really. When I came out of the sheltered world I lived in. I didn't grow I was just there aging yes, but not growing. I started to make my own decisions that were right and wrong. Why didn't my many primary Doctors tell me to get tested. All those intimate answers we give our primary Doctors so they can prescribe up something to cope with our misery. The short span of time that I went to a marriage counselor, no comments about, "Have you thought about being tested for mental behaviors or disorders?"

After being fired from another job because of mouthing off to the boss, or being overly too honest with my opinion of how they are running their business into the ground. I have been told more than once that I was "ballsy" for making that comment by both my co-workers and former friends. I don't understand how telling your boss your true opinions when they ask how would you run the company if I wasn't around, or how would you have handled the account differently, during lunch in the conference room? Do they really expect everyone to kiss their ass and tell them what they want to hear? I guess so, because I have been fired too many times to count. The hurt and feelings of being betrayed. I start new jobs with many tall walls, and little by little the owners break down my trust issues, and then they see me all exposed, and then I am being told to leave the building and here is my last check, they told me I was an important person in their company, I was an important "facet" that made the company tick, and yet when they are telling me why I am being asked to leave, it was I wasn't a team player. They hired me already knowing I wasn't a team player.... but yet they kept me around anyways. They knew... they knew... what changed?

Why would I do any of these things on purpose to get attention? If anything I always feel like I'm in the spotlight, and I want to be out of the line of fire, out of focus, not on display.

About Me

About me:

Even when I was a small child I could not stomach things like eating early in the morning before work, or taking vitamins on an empty stomach. As life when on I just figured I was eating poorly and as a result my stomach was paying for it. You know those days when you crap fast food with coffee, then snacks in the office donuts and more coffee, then fast food lunch, 3 pm snacks to keep from falling asleep in of your monitor while in your cubicle, rush home to eat more fast food, and then in my case spend the rest of the night popping tums, eating ginger or peppermint candy, and even some nights hugging the toilet wishing to die. Whenever I got really sick, I assumed I had the 24-hour bug or food poisoning, and didn’t think much of it. I had a weak stomach and it became a day-to-day thing, which I actually got used to!

So now fast forward to August 10th, 2012, fed up with the stomach pains I went to see a specialist a nutritionist. I already believe in alternative medicine and taking herbs to cure ailments, so going to a nutritionist was not a far stretch, but I thought going to a nutritionist meant I was looking to learn how to eat healthy to lose weight. I had & have no intention of doing that. So I go to my nutritionist and she started off by pricking my finger, so she can smear some of my blood on a glass slide. This was something new for me. Afterwards she connected her microscope to a monitor like for a computer, and there in black and white I saw what looked like a long worm inching around. She told me that was my blood and they were clumped together unable to absorb any nutrients, because in so many words I was eating crap, and they were unable to do their job. So from there we did “Applied Kinesiology”. What we did was I held various foods, like corn kernels, and soy beans, and a few other things in little Dixie like cups, and she put her fingers on my wrist to feel if my heart rate increased while holding the cups of food. If my heart rate did increase, that meant that my muscles were tensing up, and in essence my body would not process that food item, and do it’s best to expel that item like a poison. 

It turned out that I am allergic to 29 food items, and they are:
Barley, Corn, Flax, Gluten, Wheat
Eggplant, Mushrooms, Oranges, Peppers, Pepinos, Pimentoes, Potatoes, Raisins, Tamarios, Tomatillos, Tomatoes
Peanuts, Sesame, Walnuts
Aspartame, Saccharin
brewers yeast, egg yolks, paprika, sulfites, green tea, Textured Vegetable Protein, whole cow's milk

At first I was in utter shock, if I can’t eat those items what on earth am I supposed to eat? I purged all the food in my house, everything from my deep freezer, to my medicine cabinet. Amazingly some of the food items had not 1 bot 4 or 5 of the ingredients in it making me sick from morning to night, and I was upset about what CRAP I was really eating. 15 paper sacks later my fridge, and cabinets were empty.

Then I panicked. My kitchen was empty what was I supposed to eat? Everything I enjoyed eating was on the list of cannot eat. So from there I went online and started reading healthy gluten free, dairy free, grain free blogs, and here I am today. Feeling like night and day from my previous life. Every day is a struggle, I have gotten into a routines of foods I know I can eat and only spend about 30 mins in the health food store. At first I would spend 2+ hours in the health food store and read every single label and have mini melt downs / pity party’s when I would read every cereal box and find out there was no cereal I could eat, because even at a health food store all the cereals would have at least 1 ingredient that I was allergic to. Thoughts of eating honey nut cheerios or rice crispy treats were no longer an option and I had no idea what I was going to do.

Since then, the pity party’s no longer happen. I walk in with a shopping list for the food projects I want to accomplish that month, plus the favorites, and the staples that I buy every month, even if we have enough in the house already.

I have made friends with the staff of the health food store, and when they ask at check out if I found everything I wanted, I still answer, “No”, because there is still no cereal on their shelves that I can eat, and the same goes for “Asian dressing” because all “Asian dressings” have soy and/or sesame in them and I can’t have soy or sesame, essential ingredients to make that dressing “Asian”, but I still have my hopes and my taste buds to deal with.