Wednesday, July 24, 2013


My mom thinks I do things to get attention as if I would curse anyone with my life, allergies, and my ex.

So much of our lives are spent vying for our parents approval. Am I making the right  decision, is this the right course to take?

I often wonder if I really do have autism, as my mom and ex say I do? I have been out on my own for awhile now... since I was 17 really. When I came out of the sheltered world I lived in. I didn't grow I was just there aging yes, but not growing. I started to make my own decisions that were right and wrong. Why didn't my many primary Doctors tell me to get tested. All those intimate answers we give our primary Doctors so they can prescribe up something to cope with our misery. The short span of time that I went to a marriage counselor, no comments about, "Have you thought about being tested for mental behaviors or disorders?"

After being fired from another job because of mouthing off to the boss, or being overly too honest with my opinion of how they are running their business into the ground. I have been told more than once that I was "ballsy" for making that comment by both my co-workers and former friends. I don't understand how telling your boss your true opinions when they ask how would you run the company if I wasn't around, or how would you have handled the account differently, during lunch in the conference room? Do they really expect everyone to kiss their ass and tell them what they want to hear? I guess so, because I have been fired too many times to count. The hurt and feelings of being betrayed. I start new jobs with many tall walls, and little by little the owners break down my trust issues, and then they see me all exposed, and then I am being told to leave the building and here is my last check, they told me I was an important person in their company, I was an important "facet" that made the company tick, and yet when they are telling me why I am being asked to leave, it was I wasn't a team player. They hired me already knowing I wasn't a team player.... but yet they kept me around anyways. They knew... they knew... what changed?

Why would I do any of these things on purpose to get attention? If anything I always feel like I'm in the spotlight, and I want to be out of the line of fire, out of focus, not on display.

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